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Title: Honda Has Pointy Hair
Series: Yuugiou
Rating: R
Chapters: One-Shot
Summary: [Mary-Sue Parody] In which happenings occur, and occurances happen. As well as parenthesis abuse and 4chan references. The fourth wall is in complete shambles.
Warnings: Language, implied yaoi/yuri, sexual references.
Disclaimer: Usagi no own. Usagi technically doesn't own "Angel" either, as this is a response to a challenge on Fanfiction.Net.



Once upon a time in Domino, Japan, there lived a girl named Angel Kaiba who was the twin sister of Kaiba Seto. Which makes no sense, given that Seto has no twin sister, especially not named Angel (and if you wanted to get technical, she'd be named Tenshi because Japanese characters are simply not named "Angel" unless they're being dubbed; Kaiba Angel sounds stupid anyway so it will remain reversed just because) - but for the sake of the story (and the snark), she exists in this universe. Unfortunately.

The issue of her being his twin was not quite as debatable as the issue of her being his twin sister, however. Alas, poor Angel was a hermaphrodite. But that's neither here or there, nor is it the point of this story; it is written mainly due to a certain author's annoyance with the fandom in general, and an undeniable urge to snark.

But I digress.

On this fine sunny day in Domino, one poor unfortunate soul sat in his office at the Kaiba Corporation headquarters, typing away at his computer. He was cool, calm, collected, and completely focused on the task at hand - until a shrill, high-pitched squeal broke his chain of thought.

"Seeeeeto~!" that somebody named Angel squealed as s/he bounded into his office, completely oblivious to the fact that said office was probably heavily guarded by security. Of course, s/he wouldn't notice that, however; after all, Angel was The Prodigal Child and therefore, warped all laws of reality around hir. Which meant that security couldn't give two shits if s/he suddenly busted into Kaiba's office.

Growling at the intrusion, Kaiba looked up angrily. "Who are you, and how did you get into my office?"

Angel let out an annoying giggle. "Oh, Seto, you big silly, you shouldn't be playing games while you're working~!" S/he somehow appeared behind him - probably via wormhole - and latched onto his shoulders, floor-length brown hair (streaked with sixty-four different colors, all carefully selected from a box of Crayolas) cascading down hir unhumanly slender shoulders. "I'm Annnnngel, remember~?! Your long-lost twin sister-brother! Tee hee. I love this game."

Kaiba automatically tensed at the contact. "I have no idea who you are, and I highly suggest that you get off of me and get out of my office before I call security."

Angel pouted. Not just any pout, but a pout that would make even Yami no Malik cringe - with horror, no doubt. Huge, red lips poofed outward as hir gigantic sapphire-emerald-ruby-linoleum orbs (marbles?) widened, brimming with unshed tears of woe. To be blunt, s/he looked a bit like a blowfish. "But... but! I vaporized security with my spectacular beauty! They all got erections as soon as I walked in the room!"

Refraining from making a comment about rigor mortis, Kaiba scowled, narrowing his eyes at the parasite attached to him. "Out."

"Oh, fine," Angel snapped, tearing hirself away from that oh-so-sexy CEO who the majority of the fandom was obsessed with and had a tendency to slash with Jounouchi, and s/he stormed toward the door in a huff. "I'll just enter the Battle City Tournament all by myself! Just you watch, I'll enter myself into the system the same way that Exodia duelist did!" With that, s/he was gone. And the voices inside Kaiba's head rejoiced.

"...tch." Kaiba resumed working on his computer, more than a little disturbed by Angel's behavior. Oh well, it wasn't his problem; obviously, there was nothing that could be done if s/he'd ripped the fabric of the space-time continuum all by hirself and burst into his office.

Though he couldn't help but wonder how she'd known about that supposed "Exodia duelist" if the tournament hadn't even begun yet.




And so, the Battle City Tournament went under way. Yami no Yuugi proceeded to pwn the ass of everyone who so much thought of challenging him (including a particular duelist who had about thirty Exodia-related cards in his deck; when Kaiba caught wind of that one, he started to seriously consider therapy).

Yuugi remained cute and squishy.

Jounouchi made fools out of Insector Haga, Esper Roba, and Kajiki Ryouta, and Anzu just sort of stood on the sidelines as usual. Like a cheerleader. Jounouchi briefly considered giving her pom-poms and a short skirt, but then that probably would've made Mai jealous, and then he'd have no chance of getting into her pants. Damn.

And Honda was neglected because everybody seems to forget him in this kind of fanfiction. Poor Honda. He never gets any love. Well, that ends now, because I'm going to make him some cookies.

Meanwhile, while all of this took place over a span of about twenty episodes, the Official Second-Season Enemy made himself known. Though most of the cast who knew of him at all only knew him by his voice - he sounded something like a cat with laryngitis stuck in a blender - Angel, by manipulating space and time like most Mary Sues tend to do, thought he was absolutely gorgeous (and this author would have to agree with hir, yikes) and decided that he Absolutely Must Take Hir Virginity.

Unfortunately for Angel (or fortunately, depending on your outlook), Malik Ishtar knew absolutely nothing of this abomination, and was simply focused on keeling teh farrow and possibly getting to know that cute white-haired kid with the Ring, and the spirit, and the bad fashion sense. (Not that Malik knew much about fashion sense himself, given his choice of attire - seriously, Malik, you're not fooling anybody with that little lavender belly shirt. Anybody with eyes can see that you're just a little off-center, especially in conjunction with that Item you always talk about... and caress... uhm. Right. Coming out of fangirl-land now.)

"Oh, Malik, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind~," Angel sang to hirself as s/he thoroughly owned yet another pathetic duelist with hir Super Special Awesome Rare Chocolatey-Fudge-Coated Super Card ('sup LittleKuriboh 8D) and took their rarest card. Which, unfortunately for hir, was just a wee little weak monster. Like, uh... Happy Lover. Yeah, that works.

That poor duelist whimpered at being beaten by a lowly Mary Sue as he handed over his locator cards.

Angel squeed so loudly that the tildes were audible in hir melodious, angelic (da-huck!), orgasmic voice. "Yay, yay, I won! Now I can enter the Battle City Finals and I'll be so much closer to my beloved Malik!" Surprisingly, however, s/he then remembered something.

"Oh, wait... there already were eight duelists in the finals. Oh well, I'll just butt someone out! Like Odion, because nobody likes him."

... Excuse me? First off, I think you mean Rishid, and you're wrong about nobody liking him. I happen to be quite a fan of him, thankyouverymuch.

Angel looked up, completely surprised at the voice that was suddenly coming out of nowhere. Was that God? Because God sure sounded an awful lot like a twenty-one-year-old female with nothing better to do than write this fanfic. "What? People like him? But, uhm... he's not a bishounen!"

So? That doesn't mean he isn't badass.

"Well, I, ahh... I'm going to marry Malik!"

SNERK. Yeah, right. We'll just see how that goes. Nevermind that he'd sooner marry the gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe than you, but you have a right to try, I suppose. Don't say I didn't warn you if you happen to walk in on him making out with Bakura Ryou.

"Oh, he'd never do that because we were destined to be together! Ee-shee-zoo predicted it with her necklace thingy! I swear! ... ... But okay!" And with that, Angel got hir Hot Topic-clad little ass over to the finals.




Much like the tournament itself, the Battle City Finals went under way atop a huge blimp. (Jounouchi idly wondered if Kaiba was compensating for something with it. Then again, Kaiba must have been compensating for a lot of things, given the size of his trenchcoats as well.) Angel, of course, plowed through the competition because s/he was Just That Good at dueling - though, given the fact s/he had that Super Special Awesome Rare Chocolatey-Fudge-Coated Super Card in hir deck, s/he should've won by default. But the author had to give hir a little bit of difficulty so s/he Won't Be a Mary Sue! Insert "lol" here.

So by the time the Noa arc rolled around, Angel had not only acquired Obelisk ("Oh, tee hee, sorry big brother! Looks like I win~! Yay!") and Ra ("OMG MALIK MARRY ME RIGHT NOW! Skfjsdh!"), but s/he had also called Anzu a whore (to which Yuugi and the others objected), proved the existence of the Sennen Orange (and peeled it), and walked in on Malik making out with Bakura Ryou before the finals had started. Needless to say, s/he was heartbroken and slashed hir ankles (s/he wasn't smart enough to slash hir wrists) while listening to Linkin Park, but s/he got over it in a few minutes because obviously, True Love Conquers All. Malik would obviously see the error of his ways and confess his Twoo Wuv to her eventually!11one!eleventy!1.

... I almost feel sorry for that poor, disillusioned little hermaphrodite.

And of course, s/he still found Malik amazingly sexy even in his stretchingface!glowingforehead!Yami mode, because love is blind. Or some rubbish like that.

Anyway, once s/he made it to the final match against Yami no Yuugi, s/he proceeded to kick his ass as well - and that's when you know a card is super special awesome. Of course, s/he also had the other two God Cards at hir disposal, so that made the duel last about two seconds.

"Oh emm gee! I can't believe I won~!" Angel shrieked after winning. S/he jumped up and down, making hir tire-sized breasts bounce as well. S/he stopped bouncing when one of them hit hir in the face. "Ow."

Yami no Yuugi just smacked his forehead with his palm. How could he lose to that... thing? Oh well; everyone had to lose sometime, he guessed. He hesitantly approached Angel, offering hir a card. "... ... Here," he said, trying to hide a twitch, "I believe this belongs to you now. Erm. Good duel...?"

"Ooooooh, thank you, Sexy McWeirdhair!" Angel giggled maniacally and took the Osiris card s/he'd been offered, and then held all three of the God Cards out to him, along with the Super Special Awesome Rare Chocolatey-Fudge-Coated Super Card. "But I don't need them because I'm going to marry Malik. You can have them!"

"Er... thank you?" Yami no Yuugi blinked, absolutely dumbfounded as Angel bounded over to Malik - who, somehow (probably via wormhole), had reverted back to his regular self because Angel decided that Yami no Malik was too psychotic for hir tastes (though s/he really didn't have room to talk in that department) - and promptly thrust hir breasts in his face.

"Malik~! Marry me now, plzkthnx!" Angel giggled and glomped him so hard that his face had turned a lovely shade of blue in a matter of seconds. Oxygen? Malik didn't need any oxygen; he could live on his sexiness alone! And then s/he could always give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. It was a brilliant plan - one that could only come from the mind of a fangirl with self-insert fantasies. Erm. Not that this author's tried that before. Nope, not at all. Cough.

(AND NOW, FOR A BRIEF INTERLUDE.

Ex dee. "Malik. Fueled by pure SEX AND LOVE, bebe. He could be a type of car," Pachelbel said to Usagi, keeling over ded.

Usagi snickered in response, grinning psychotically. "Oh yeah, man. I'd drive it.")

Malik, who was actually considering welcoming the sweet sweet blackness that was death, somehow managed to pry off the tumor he had attached to his side. "...no thanks," he spat, eyeing hir like s/he was out of hir mind (not like Malik wasn't a little off-center, though), "I'd sooner marry the gum stuck to the bottom of my shoe. DO NOT WANT." After all, he was only sixteen - legal marriage age in Japan didn't come along until at least twenty, provided that he actually planned on staying there. Lots of people like to make him return to Japan, this author included. (Must be for their OTP purposes. Insert sage-like nod here.)

"But... BUT..." Angel's rainbow-colored eyes widened to the size of teacups again, crystalline tears falling down porcelain cheeks; s/he might as well have been weeping tears of blood, hir sorrow was that intense! "But you're my One True Love and we have to get married and have seventeen kids and live happily ever after!" Surely, s/he would die of lament if s/he didn't get to become one with hir beloved Malik-squish-fluff-snugglebear! But that's okay, Angel. A cat is fine too.

Malik just stared blankly in response. "... Whatever. I'm gonna go see if that hot white-haired kid's awake yet." And with that, he made his way out of the Duel Tower, everyone else out there following after. They would've said something, but they were either too amused or too disgusted to attempt to make contact with the sobbing he-she sitting on the duel platform. Good for them. They have sense.

"WRYYYYY?" Angel wailed as s/he cast hir pain-filled gaze to the un-angstily sunny sky above. Nobody could ever understand the agony s/he felt at the moment - not even Malik, who had had hieroglyphs carved into his back with a white-hot knife, or Bakura, who had suffered the loss of his mother and sister, and all of his old friends! Clearly, Angel Kaiba, who had had the most perfect background ever (being a superficial Mary Sue character, after all), was the most depressed person on the face of the planet. Hir voice filled with angst (and not of the shipping variety), s/he broke out into song in all of hir remorse.

"CRAWLING IN MY SKIN, THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEAL..." And then s/he was silenced, because hir voice sounded horrible even in the author's head.

Angel wibbled. "What did I ever do to deserve rejection? What is it? Am I not beautiful enough for my lovely beautiful Maliky-honeybunch? Are my boobies not big enough? Is my penis not big enough?" S/he never gave anyone time to respond before slitting her ankles again. News flash, honey: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. Just toss yourself off the edge of the tower already, and be done with it.

And so s/he did so, hitting the ground with nothing but a mere thud. (Hm, funny. I thought it'd make more of a "splat" noise, or a "crunch", perhaps...)

Nobody cared, or even noticed. They were all too busy trying to get off of Alcatraz before it exploded, or something like that.




And thus, the world was rid of a horribly annoying little shemale.

Kaiba was thankful for hir death: it saved him the trouble of calling the men in the white coats to come and take hir away. Now he could get back to work on his Kaiba Land plans and making sure Mokuba didn't get into too much trouble; he was due to hit puberty soon and Kaiba had to make sure he didn't learn about reproduction from the kids at school.

Jounouchi went ahead and gave Anzu the pom-poms and short skirt for her cheerleader costume, which actually didn't make Mai jealous like he thought it would - it actually turned her on, and once she saw Anzu with them she couldn't help but haul her off to a football field for some "fun". This would've pleased Jounouchi more if he'd been invited to at least watch.

Yami no Yuugi regained his title of Teh King of Gaems, Yuugi remained squishy and adorable, and all of those minor characters had a jolly old time, and stuff like that.

Malik returned to Egypt with Isis and Rishid, though he made plans to come back to Japan eventually - long-distance relationships were just so difficult to manage, and he was pretty sure that if Bakura's father learned about their internet conversations, he'd think his son was talking to some kind of stalker, or something like that.

And I eventually sent Honda cookies. He said thank you, and that he'd share them with Shizuka. Well, have fun with that, Honda.

And everyone lived happily ever after.

Or as happily as one can get in this God-forsaken fandom.

 
 
 
 
 
 
..........sooky!Yuki approves. 8D *dies and is quite dead*

...I love the Mai/Anzu~ :XXX
That is literally the best thing I have ever had the pleasure of reading! XD
This is totally one of my favorite stories. XD For the win! ♥

My parents kept looking at me like "WTF are you reading that's making you laugh so hard?" ...they'd never understand.
XDDDDDD

I was going to write down all the lines that made me laugh, but that would be... pretty much the entire thing. Usagi wins at MS parody! 8D